The stubborn shoulder pain
When I was struggling with a severe shoulder pain, one of the lowest points was the evenings. I couldn’t sleep on my side because it put pressure on my shoulder, and I had to position my shoulder in a certain way for it to be at ease. I felt restricted, annoyed, and frustrated. Looking back, I recall going to sleep with a frown in my face, and more importantly, without allowing myself to really take a breath. I went to bed every night, either hoping the pain would just disappear in the morning, or thinking about other things I can do to fix my shoulder.
I spent a lot of time learning about the shoulder, and even more searching for different ways to fix my shoulders. And I felt righteous – Look, I’m here to get to the bottom of this, shoulder! I listen to you, learn about you, and learn from you. I went to four chiropractors, I tried acupuncture and fascia therapy, I didn’t just take pills or go to surgery to get rid of you. What else do you want me to do?
What I didn’t realize is that, underneath all those holistic approaches, my energy was not flowing. The vibrations were of blame, anger, impatience, arrogance, and ego.
And then in the morning, I would meditate and do breathwork as the mind planned, thinking it’s good for my recovery. In the meantime, I continued to build circuitry in my body, as well as the basics: bringing attention to my core, and breathing with “Loving Presence” while I attended Dr. Sue’s BodyAwake yoga online course. I practiced daily, and as I progressed, I finally felt and sensed that the love and presence were what I had been missing. And they are what create the magic from the electric-magnetic field of healing.
Every day, I dropped into the body, and taught my mind to focus inside my body. Regardless of the circumstances outside of my body, I kept pulling back to the core, over and over again. As I continued to do so, slowly but surely, I began to feel and sense the feeling of vibration of love inside the body, and what it is like to be present inside the body – the things that I had been missing.
Then came a breakdown. Though in hindsight, that was nothing less than a blessing.
One day, I tried to hook the back button of my top, but failed to do this one simple task because the shoulder pain was preventing me from lifting my arms. All at once, a wave of frustration and anger washed over me. I had put so much effort into healing my shoulder, what more can I do? And at the thought of that, I bursted into tears.
The loving presence
After a good cry, finally, I simply sat with all the emotions, and surrendered.
No longer was I angry at my shoulder, no longer did I try to get rid of the negative feelings that arose within. I simply sat with those feelings and sensations, and just be still.
In that stillness, there was peace, and then there was a warm flow of love that came over me. I felt it in my bloodstream, I felt it in my circuitry, I felt my body became soft and tender.
That’s the day I started bringing this sensation of love and presence into my breathwork, and really being present in the area of my shoulder pain. I consciously take notice of my mind’s judgment of my body, detach my mind, and just keep taking it to the body, back to the core, again and again.
It didn’t happen right away, but it began to feel like the shoulder could sense my loving presence through breath, it seemed to respond to my full attention as my loving presence moved through the area, in our time of stillness. There was no judgment, no blames, no attempts, just simply being, with a loving presence, understanding, compassion, and patience. I allowed myself to just be with the pain, and allow my shoulder to express what it wanted to.
Slowly and surely, healing then began.
As profound of an experience this was, it was also a great lesson that my most beloved teacher – my body, has taught me.
So thank you, my body. I love you, and I love this connection with you. Thank you, for the lessons you teach me.